Rita's Writings

To all the children who did nothing to carry their families’ legacy burdens. They continue surviving and as young adults they continue trying to figure out how to stop that cycle…

You carried me in your belly for 9 months

And I used to think that was enough to feel you love me

Now I wonder if you ever wanted me?

The first time you called me fat and ugly I froze

It felt like someone used my brain as a punching bag

I could not hold it so I pretended it didn’t happen

Have you ever tried creating a world in your mind?

A world where you feel safe and happy?

Mine is full of flowers and trees and I can feel that freedom and peace

My world has kept me going

Your insults have created deep emotional wounds

But having a place where I can go away makes me have hope

Now I am not a child anymore

And I keep carrying all those wounds

How do I find peace if you still keep causing me wounds?

Now I am not only fat and ugly, I am also a whore

How do my body, soul, and mind become so abused by you?

How do I find my way back?

My inner child needs me… I hear her and I ignore her….

She has been waiting for me this whole time

But I am ashamed and that shame makes me run away

I’m going to keep trying to find my way back to you

I know you need to heal and that healing can only come from me

You need to know you did nothing wrong

Legacy burdens are run deep

I need to find them too

I no longer have to do this alone….

This writing is dedicated to the resilient girls and women who honored me by sharing their stories of sexual abuse… They let me accompany them on their painful journeys towards trying to put together their pieces of intimacy…..

Darkness was always there, and no matter what you did

Darkness found you wherever you hid…

You used to think he was going to get tired of inflicting so much pain

But your innocent thoughts went away when he told you he was there to stay.

Black leather jackets still cause you to flinch…

And you remember begging him “please, don’t come in” …...

He made you build this big, thick wall that at times seems impossible to break…

You get angry whenever you see all the intimacy work that is yet to be done…

You wished he would have never existed

But he was there and his presence is still felt,

How do you explain to the one who is asking you to welcome him in your heart

That your house of intimacy has changed because of darkness’ looks, touch, and smell?

For a long time, darkness kept whispering in your ears you weren’t worth it,

For a long time, he made you believe your body was something that could easily be used and discarded…

For a long time, you walked looking down, trying to hide the shame you felt…

For a long time, you thought you did not deserve to be respected….

For a long time, he kept telling you it was all your fault…

For a long time, you saw him in every man with a strong presence…

For a long time….

You are here now, and your resilience, endurance, and desire to fight are unstoppable….

You want to continue moving forward,

You want to continue growing,

You want to continue being amazed by the simplest things…

You want to tell darkness he does not hold you back anymore,

You want to tell him he has been forgiven, regardless of him denying any wrongdoing…

You are ready to let him go….